Why Do We Ignore Red Flags in Relationships and Dating?

Introduction

Listening to the song Red Flags by Mimi Webb recently got me thinking about how common it is to overlook unhealthy behaviours and mistreatment in relationships. I’ve been there myself—running through countless red flags, normalising problematic behaviour, and only realising in hindsight how unhealthy those dynamics truly were.

It’s often much easier to spot red flags in someone else’s relationship than in our own. Have you ever had a friend who’s dating someone you know is bad news, but they just can’t see it? Each time they come to you after a row or a breakup, you want to unleash all the colourful insults you’ve been holding back. But you know they’ll likely get back together, and if you’re too honest, they might stop confiding in you altogether.

So why do we ignore red flags—even when the signs are glaringly obvious?

Why Do We Ignore Red Flags?

The truth is, ignoring red flags isn’t a conscious choice. There are powerful subconscious forces at play, steering us towards unhealthy dynamics. One major driver is a concept called repetition compulsion. Sigmund Freud coined this term to describe how we unconsciously recreate familiar patterns from our past—often from childhood—even when those patterns cause us pain.

Dr Bessel van der Kolk uses a striking analogy to explain this: imagine two groups of rats. One group is raised in a safe, warm environment with plenty of food; the other grows up in a chaotic, noisy home with scarce resources. When startled by a loud noise, both groups of rats instinctively run back to their nests. For the rats from the unsafe home, even though their environment is harsh, it’s what they know.

Humans aren’t so different. No matter how dysfunctional, we often return to what feels familiar because it feels like “home”. Our subconscious mind seeks to heal old wounds by recreating past dynamics in our present relationships. Unfortunately, this doesn’t resolve the trauma—it perpetuates it.

How Early Experiences Shape Relationship Patterns

The relationships we experience in childhood—with caregivers, siblings, or other significant figures—shape our attachment styles and how we relate to others. For example:

• Anxious Attachment Style: If you grew up in an unpredictable or unstable environment, you may feel overly dependent on others’ approval, fear rejection and abandonment, and sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships.

• Avoidant Attachment Style: On the other hand, if your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, you may develop a fear of relying on others. You might prioritise independence, avoid intimacy, and focus on meeting your own needs first.

These attachment styles often attract each other. The anxious person’s need for closeness and validation can trigger the avoidant person’s fear of dependence, creating a toxic and addictive dynamic. Both partners end up stuck, feeding into each other’s fears and anxieties while perpetuating the cycle.

Breaking Free from Unhealthy Patterns

Does this resonate with you? If so, know that change is absolutely possible. By understanding your attachment style and uncovering the unconscious drivers behind your choices, you can begin to break free from old patterns and build healthier relationships.

Healing takes time and effort, but the reward is worth it—a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and love. If you’re ready to stop running through red flags and start creating healthy love, I’d love to help. Book a free discovery call, and let’s take the first step together.

Author - Rosie Chapman, ICF & CPD Certified Coach specialising in Love & Relationships, trained in counselling (BACP), NLP, and trauma-informed approaches. Dedicated to helping women break unhealthy relationship patterns and create healthy love.